"I think you think I'm an idiot."
Charles and I were going around and around. He had been alienating his colleagues. He was belligerent, and even humiliating to his teammates. He was always right. He didn't think he needed anyone else. He also thought he deserved a promotion.
Charles took issue with the expectation that for promotion to the next level he needed to be effective at getting work
done through others. He thought that was simply wrong. I told him it was his choice as to whether he wanted to work on this attribute or not, and thus it was his choice as to what outcome he would get -- promotion or no promotion.
I must have asked Charles, "What do you think?" because without missing a beat he said, "I think you think I'm an
idiot."
The Transformative Power of Making Them Right.
I love it when people are as clear with me as Charles was. It gave me an opportunity to be equally as clear back to him and make him right -- in this case, make him right for bringing it up. I said,
"I'm so glad you told me that so I can tall you that absolutely don't think that. What I want to assure you of is that I want you to be successful in this job. Let's talk about where we can go from
here."
Practice. Practice. Practice.
You've probably heard the joke about the NYC tourist who asks, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall? and the answer received is, "Practice, practice, practice."
If you anticipate a difficult discussion and you know they might not play fair or they may be combative or try to bait you, think through what they might say, and how you can agree with them or make them right.
Firstly, of course, be sincere. I meant every word I said to Charles. Did I think he was demonstrating a lack of good judgment? Yes.
Would I have called him an idiot? No. Am I am splitting hairs? Maybe.
At the same time, you don't have to take the bait. Call upon your most noble intentions, i.e. the purposeful reason you are having the discussion and fall back on that.
Find the nugget of what you can agree with and go with it.
The go-to phrases I
use to begin my response are:
- I'm glad you brought that up.
- That's really a good question.
- I can see why you would say that.
I find that starting there often leads me to what I CAN agree with -- the thing that they brought up that is
right. We all like to hear how we are right. Now you've got their attention and they are more likely to hear the truth you need to deliver.
